April 24, 2014

Tennessee fans announce fair-weather support for Donnie Tyndall

Tennessee fans have agreed to back Donnie Tyndall as their next men's basketball coach, provided that he can meet their standards of success. Fans announced Tyndall Tuesday to replace Cuonzo Martin as the object of their occasional appreciation or unfettered rage. "We are excited to welcome Donnie Tyndall to the Tennessee family as long as he is winning," Tennessee conditional support director Patrick Orth said. "He has a proven track record of being loved when he is winning and hated when he is losing at every level he has coached. We look forward to his impact on whether we circulate a petition calling for him to be fired." Tennessee fans agreed to a six-year contract of qualified support worth $1.6 million for Tyndall, subject to renegotiation depending on what Bruce Pearl is up to.

April 22, 2014

UT students sad they won't get to use powdered alcohol responsibly

University of Tennessee students Tuesday announced their disappointment that powdered alcohol is no longer a thing. The United States Treasury's Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau had originally green-lit Palcohol's powdered vodka, rum and other cocktails, but the agency said Monday that the products had been approved in error. UT students took the news hard. "UT students are incredibly responsible with the already-existent liquid form of alcohol, so making it even easier to obtain seemed like a no-brainer," said sophomore and teetotaler Austin Jongkind. "I'm sad that students who are legally old enough to drink in a safe and mature manner won't be able to use this product." "This really sucks," added freshman Claire Palmer. "Powdered alcohol was a thing that couldn't possibly go wrong. My friends and I were really excited about not snorting it."

April 20, 2014

Trix Rabbit mistaken for Easter Bunny in Knoxville

A Knoxville couple is disappointed today after the rabbit they captured turned out to be a bullied bunny who never gets any cereal, rather than a legendary distributor of Easter eggs. Natalia Wegman says her husband, Nigel, found the anthropomorphic rabbit in their yard Saturday night and managed to lure it inside. But upon closer inspection, the couple realized that the bunny was not hiding colorful eggs in their yard, but was searching for Trix breakfast cereal. "We felt kind of bad for him," said Wegman. "He just wanted some damn cereal. I drove him to the store and bought him a box. I'm actually not sure why he didn't think of that himself. He's not very bright for a talking rabbit."

April 18, 2014

City converts downtown alley to public restroom

Knoxville officials Thursday unveiled downtown's new long-awaited public restroom, an alley between Market Square and Gay Street.

The sizeable lavatory will use existing architecture to give the bladder-weary an opportunity to relieve themselves in the comfort of right next to where restaurant employees take out the trash at the end of their shifts.

"This new restroom has a wonderful urban design that will only enhance downtown Knoxville's continued revitalization efforts," said metropolitan urinal design engineer Todd Peek. "The facility replicates the look and feel of sneaking into the path between two buildings to empty one's bladder after really having to go and not being able to find a public restroom."

Indeed, the new toilet will come at no cost to taxpayers, but instead will utilize the narrow passageway between buildings on Market Square and Gay Street.

"For years we have been hearing about how downtown needs a public restroom," said Knoxville director of when you gotta go you gotta go, Michael Gowdy. "We are proud to finally open this new toilet that can be used by tourists, residents and vagrants free of charge."

Many members of the community attended the toilet paper-cutting ceremony yesterday afternoon, which included an opportunity to try out the facilities. One bathroom user was even able to share the commode with a graffiti artist, who painted a swear word next to one of the restroom's many garbage cans.

"People attending the Big Ears Festival or Rossini Festival or other downtown events will no longer have to pretend to browse in retail stores while they secretly hunt for bathrooms," said Gowdy. "Now they can just go against this handsome side of a building. Knoxville is really fortunate to have this great new restroom."

If the new urban commode is successful, officials say they plan to install another public toilet in the alley between Market Square and the city-owned Market Square Garage.

April 16, 2014

Fans who signed 'fire Cuonzo Martin petition' upset Cuonzo Martin leaving for California

Thousands of Tennessee basketball fans who signed a petition demanding that Cuonzo Martin be fired are upset that Cuonzo Martin has accepted a head coaching job at California. Martin was announced as the new coach of the Golden Bears yesterday afternoon. "How dare Cuonzo Martin leave our basketball program after we wanted him fired and replaced by Bruce Pearl," said a spokesperson for people who belong in an Aesop's Fable. "I can't believe how ungrateful he is for leaving us after we wanted him to leave after he later showed us that he is a much better coach than we thought he was," added a spokesperson for irony so delicious it must have been fried in butter. "And what a crappy coach he is for getting us to the Sweet Sixteen after no one expected it, but then losing to a better team. I'm glad he's leaving. But I'm still going to complain about it."

April 15, 2014

Spring reported missing near Knoxville, police say

Police are asking for the public's help to find a season last seen Monday in Knoxville. The missing time of year, spring, is described as the temperate season subsequent to winter and preceding summer, Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller said. Spring is about three months long and is relatively warm and has increased daylight. But friends say that spring's behavior is often erratic, prone to sudden rain storms and occasional cold fronts. Spring's disappearance came to the attention of Knoxville law enforcement this morning when they had to put on pants, socks and shoes instead of shorts and flip flops. A search and rescue team of 80 volunteers and eight search dogs will conduct a ground and air search for spring throughout the day. Police say a blood red moon last seen in the vicinity of the sky is wanted for questioning in connection with the disappearance.

April 13, 2014

Jay Leno announces he will replace Stephen Colbert as 'Late Show' host

Just 37 seconds after CBS revealed Stephen Colbert as the new host of the "Late Show," former "The Tonight Show" host Jay Leno announced that he has already replaced Colbert as host of the "Late Show." "I think that I would like to host the 'Late Show' next year instead of Stephen Colbert," said a spokesperson for TV shows Jay Leno would like to host so he is just going to host them now. "Leno proclaimed the decision Wednesday afternoon in a temper tantrum, less than a minute after CBS announced that Colbert would host the show after Letterman's retirement in 2015. This is not the first time Leno has gotten his way on a television show. In 2010 he took up residence in a garbage can on Sesame Street after evicting its former tenant, a moody green puppet.

April 11, 2014

Tennessee Senate passes bill legalizing Dungeons & Dragons weaponry

State senators voted today to legalize clubs, javelins, light maces, spiked gauntlets, morningstars, battleaxes, rapiers, scimitars, short swords, broadswords and other types of weaponry favored by dwarves, elves, paladins, rangers, swordmages and other character classes.

The bill was sponsored by Sen. Mike Bell, R-Riceville, and passed on a rare, unanimous 30-0 vote. The measure has yet to move to the House.

Bell said he first realized there was a problem with the state's weaponry laws after he set off on an adventure with several other player characters but was unable to defend himself after his party was surprised by three hobgoblins.

"This bill is an attempt to rewrite our weaponry laws to benefit all our character classes," said Bell. "How are our brave rangers and paladins supposed to inflict 1d6+1 damage during their turns so that they can gain experience points and advance a level when they can't even defend themselves with triple-headed flails and throwing hammers?"

Under current state law, clubs, javelins, light maces, spiked gauntlets, morningstars, battleaxes, rapiers, scimitars, short swords, broadswords and similar weaponry are illegal to knowingly use to slay boneclaws, carrion crawlers, dragons, gargoyles, ghosts, hags, harpies, trolls or vampires.

Sen. Douglas Henry, D-Nashville, said the legislation will make it much easier for a defender, striker, controller and leader to search for the mythical Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth.

"According to legend, somewhere in the Yatil Mountains, to the south of Perrenland, there is a treasure of enormous value that numerous adventurers have perished in search of," said Henry. "Surely those adventurers would have fared better if they could have legally carried spiked shields and hand axes to battle the terrible monsters under the depths of the earth."

State legislators believe adventurers will now have a much easier time facing Drelzna, the vampire-daughter of the long-dead archmage Iggwily.

"I mean, I still wouldn't go into the forgotten temple of Tharizdun until I was at least a level 10 barbarian," said Frank Nicely, R-Strawberry Plains. "But at least this will give people a fighting chance."

April 10, 2014

Boomsday to be televised on pay-per-view

More changes are in store for this year's Boomsday Labor Day fireworks festival. In addition to a $20 price tag for premium seating at this year's event, the fireworks display will also be televised on a pay-per-view basis across East Tennessee. Suggested retail price is $19.95 for the telecast, which will be available in high-definition. Organizers say that by charging for the television broadcast, they will make more money. "Boomsday was aired for free live on television in the past," said Boomsday director of seeing dollar signs Catherine Stallings. "We have found that by charging for the broadcast we will make significantly more money, so we're going to do that instead." Organizers say they also plan to offer a cheaper $14.95 package for people who just want to hear the fireworks explode in the distance.

April 8, 2014

Small Town Sheriff Stereotype kicks off campaign for Knox County Sheriff

The stereotype of a small town Southern sheriff officially kicked off his campaign for Knox County Sheriff Monday. Small Town Sheriff Stereotype told reporters he decided to run against incumbent Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones because he feels law enforcement in East Tennessee could be more trite and conventional. "I would like to see Knox County be more of a place where I can go around arresting whoever I want without involving the judicial system," said Small Town Sheriff Stereotype. "Also I am a sweaty, overweight Southerner in a white suit with a bumbling deputy who is easily outsmarted by them ol' Duke boys. And I chew tobacco and/or smoke cigars. What else could Knox County even want in a shuruff?"

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