March 11, 2014
A new 30-second trailer of "24: Live Another Day" was revealed over the weekend, showing pulse-pounding footage of Jack Bauer as he attempts to take down the aristocratic Crawley family from "Downton Abbey." The 12-episode event series picks up with resident badass Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland) trying to end the British aristocracy before it embarrassingly breaks into the 1930s. "Dammit, Chloe, this has gone on long enough," a sour-faced Bauer is seen shouting in the trailer. "How can they still afford that house? They are running out of time!" The new series will feature a time-traveling Bauer destroying the Crawley family from within to prevent further seasons of melodrama, tears, and entire plotlines about place settings and silverware.
March 9, 2014
Police are on the lookout for two men who robbed a Daylight Saving Time and Loan in Knoxville early this morning. Police say at least one of the two robbers was armed with a loaded alarm clock. The thieves entered the building at approximately 2 a.m., sprang forward and forced the teller to open the safe, which was on a one-hour autumn time delay. Both suspects fled the scene with an undisclosed amount of daylight. "Extra sunlight is a valuable commodity," said Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "A little extra daylight in the evening is perfect for grilling out, having a baseball game or doing some extra shopping. But in the wrong hands it could be used for something evil like jogging or losing an hour of sleep. Hopefully it's only a matter of time before these individuals are brought to justice."
March 7, 2014
A campus-wide event on the University of Tennessee campus designed to promote safe sex has accidentally resulted in the entire college campus population becoming pregnant.
The controversial Sex Week event, which draws to a close today, has resulted in a positive pregnancy for every single UT student, instructor and campus worker, including the males.
"Even the men are pregnant," said Sex Week organizer Kayla Penner. "That's so rare. The only other time I've seen that is on reruns of 'The Cosby Show,' when Bill Cosby gave birth to a hoagie and a bottle of soda. The late 1980s must have been a confusing time."
Stunned Sex Week organizers confessed that even the university's iconic The Rock graffiti boulder is pregnant. The Rock announced its pregnancy to the world with a simple plus sign spray painted on its exterior. At least two popular eateries on Cumberland Ave. are also confirmed pregnant.
City officials report that the effects have already spread to the Knoxville community. Local grocery stores are experiencing shortages of pickles and ice cream, and long lines are being experienced at fast food restaurants serving milkshakes.
But the fallout isn't all bad. University officials say widespread nesting has resulted in Hess Hall and several fraternity houses being their cleanest in decades.
Still, local officials are worried.
"This is what happens when people learn that sex exists," said Tennessee director of lack of sex education Beth Ann Coleman. "We have got to keep other people from finding out about it."
Tennessee athletic director Dave Hart agreed.
"Having a pregnant football team is really going to hurt our SEC chances," he said. "Our players will be six months pregnant right when the season starts. Don't think for a second that Florida won't capitalize on that."
Sex Week organizers say they are sorry for the trouble they have caused.
"I can't believe it," said Penner. "Why didn't we listen to the Tennessee legislature? They really do know everything. It seems so obvious in hindsight."
March 6, 2014
A proposal to create a state legislature voucher program for Tennessee lawmakers is gaining traction in the House despite concerns that other states would not want the Volunteer State's policymakers. The measure, which passed the Underperforming House Lawmaker Subcommittee 7-6 Wednesday, would give constituents the option to move a disappointing politician from a local district to another state's legislature, with the state providing funds for lawmakers to don't let the door hit you where the dog should have bit you. "Ultimately, I think everyone's goal here is to help lawmakers that are in chronically low-performing state legislatures to have an opportunity to start over, or at least do their damage somewhere else," said House Speaker Beth Harwell. Critics of the measure said the state's citizens should be given a voucher for a free bottle of wine from a grocery store so they could just forget about state lawmakers for a few blissful hours.
March 4, 2014
Boomsday organizers announced last week that for the first time "inferior tickets" will be sold for admittance to the Labor Day fireworks festival on Neyland Drive. Officials said that this year's event will require ticketed admission to lackluster viewing areas with second-rate entertainment options. Organizers haven't announced how much inferior tickets will cost, but hinted that the price will be "absolutely outrageous." "Attendees who buy special inferior tickets can expect to be seated far away from the fireworks, in a sweltering blanket of humidity with no shade near a nest of mosquitoes, as well as behind a tree or a tall person with an unusually large haircut," said inferior ticket spokesperson Fran Amro. Sub-standard entertainment options will include waiting hours for fireworks in the late summer East Tennessee heat, and listening to other Boomsday attendees complain about parking and the price of this year's concessions.
March 2, 2014
Celebrity cook Paula Deen announced Wednesday that her company will open a new Pigeon Forge restaurant that will serve nothing but butter. The new 20,000 square foot restaurant will be called The Butter Barn. "We're looking to get to the basics of Southern cooking," said a spokesperson for the eatery. "You can't get more basic than butter. Plus it's filling and delicious." Pigeon Forge officials agreed. "Butter is the fruit of the South," said Pigeon Forge mayor David Wear. "You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There's butter-kabobs, butter creole, butter gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple butter, lemon butter, coconut butter, pepper butter, butter soup, butter stew, butter salad, butter and potatoes, butter burger, butter sandwich. That's, that's about it." Pigeon Forge officials said that if the restaurant is successful they will consider opening restaurants that exclusively serve salt, sugar and bacon.
February 28, 2014
A local man who has never ridden on a Knoxville Area Transit bus or trolley, or taken a Megabus from the city to one of 11 major cities nationwide is deeply distressed by the East Tennessee area's lack of public transportation.
According to witnesses, 20-year-old Thomas Colcher spent two months traveling around Europe last summer, not to mention the college sophomore's extensive time in New York and Chicago. Those experiences have left Colcher eager to see Knoxville implement a subway system, light rail, electric streetcars or other forms of mass transit.
"It's ridiculous," said Colcher, who drives his car everywhere and who has yet to take advantage of KAT's $1.50 single ride passes. "In Europe I was able to travel from Budapest all the way to London without getting in a car once. Why can't we do that here?"
Colcher, who has yet to set foot on the Parkridge KAT Route 30 bus that passes within a block of his house, said he would like to see a commuter tram service Knoxville neighborhoods.
"I could get from my house to downtown or to Fourth and Gill or even to Fountain City," said Colcher as the 8:15 a.m. bus from Bertrand at Magnolia pulled away from the nearest stop headed toward downtown. "It would be so convenient just to hop on a tram and go wherever, you know?"
Cocher said he is also hopeful that a passenger train could be built that would connect different Knoxville to other regional cities such as Asheville, Chattanooga, Nashville, Lexington and Birmingham.
"Wouldn't it be great to pay a low fare at the train station, hop on board, sit in a comfy chair while you read a book and then arrive in Chattanooga a couple of hours later," said Cocher just hours after he failed to board the $14 Megabus traveling from Knoxville to Chattanooga in an hour and 50 minutes. "Public transportation could really make us into real city."
February 27, 2014
Calling it a sensible celebration of reproduction whereby offspring is birthed from a single organism, the state House Monday approved a nonbinding resolution praising the University of Tennessee's upcoming "Asexual Reproduction Week." "Reproduction should occur by means of budding, spore formation, vegetative propagation, or by binary fission, especially on college campuses," said Rep. Richard Floyd, R-Chattanooga, the resolution's sponsor. The measure passed the House with a 69-17 vote. Asexual Reproduction Week, which begins Sunday, includes events such as a hominid mitosis demonstration and a sporic life cycle workshop. "Scientists are learning that even hammerhead sharks and wild snakes can reproduce asexually," said Majority Leader Gerald McCormick, R-Chattanooga. "It only makes sense that humans should follow suit. Sexual reproduction is unnatural and should be stopped at once."
February 25, 2014
The City of Knoxville held an official grand opening for its newest area of town Monday. South Knoxville is located just across the Henley Bridge. "We are honored to open the doors today to the first South Knoxville in Knoxville," said South Knoxville manager Rusty Tuttle at the ceremony. "We are so excited to welcome the public to our new location. We look forward to offering residents quality products in a fresh and accessible environment at an excellent value." The city kicked off the grand opening event with a kudzu-cutting ceremony. Knoxville residents said they are thrilled by the new area of town. "I think it's just fantastic," said Jenny Nunez. "We have been needing a South Knoxville in Knoxville for a long, long time."
February 23, 2014
When Oak Ridge's Matthew Britz ran downstairs yesterday morning, he had hoped to find his stocking filled with a great battle between Odin, Thor, Loki and other Viking gods, followed by the world sinking beneath the sea. Instead he received socks and underwear. Britz was one of thousands of East Tennesseans who celebrated the Viking Apocalypse foretold throughout the ages. But for Britz the end of the world and the resurfacing of a new and fertile land was filled was disappointment. "I was so bummed," said Britz. "When the golden rooster Gullinkambi crowed yesterday, I had hoped Nidhogg would chew through the roots of the World Tree to bring the nine worlds to their end. Instead I got Hanes ComfortBlend with superior softness." This is not the first time Britz has been disappointed by a major holiday. In May of 2011, doomsday prophet Harold Camping failed to hide colored eggs in Britz's yard for the Rapture.