April 19, 2015

Racing fans gather in Bristol to watch cars drive in circles

Thousands of NASCAR fans are in Bristol today to watch several cars drive around in a circle 500 times. The Bristol Motor Speedway is the site of the Food City 500, an annual race where cars go really fast for a long time in a spherical pattern. "I drove four hours to watch other people drive for three hours," said racing enthusiast Rodney Knisley. "I haven't had this much fun since my grandmother got stuck driving around a roundabout for four days." "I usually sleep for the first 498 laps," said NASCAR fan Gina Pierce. "It kind of gets interesting at that point. Maybe they could just make it a two lap race." This is not the first time East Tennesseans have gathered to watch a sporting event. In 2014 hundreds of fans gathered in Kodak to watch men with pants pulled up to their knees hit a ball with a stick for three hours.

April 17, 2015

Humans could evolve phones on their hands, scientists say

A recent University of Tennessee study has found that humans may someday have fully functioning iPhones on the backs of their hands.

A team of East Tennessee anthropologists has spent two years looking at the way humans have evolved and continue to evolve. Based on medical and technological advances, lengthening lifespans and our ability to never put down our phones, those researchers believe they have unlocked the next phase of human evolution.

"I invite you to look back at our ancient ancestors," said research anthropologist Denita Harrison. "Why did most of our human relatives go extinct, while Homo sapiens survived, and even thrived? The answer is largely because humans have the ability to walk down the street staring down at an iPhone and very rarely manage to wander into oncoming traffic."

Harrison told an audience Wednesday that humans will eventually have a larger hand that can accommodate a screen on its back. Humans will then be able to text people who are just across the room, use apps, play games and not answer when people call, all conveniently without having to take an iPhone out of a pocket.

"Human survival is largely dependent on our ability to clutch a smart phone like it was a widdle blankee," said Harrison. "But we spend a lot of our days searching for where we laid the phone down or getting a replacement because an iPhone can only be dropped on its screen so many times before cracking. Most likely we will eventually just grow phones on the backs of our hands so that we are finally inseparable."

Scientists said the phones would also probably upgrade themselves, so that people would not have to stand in line for hours each year for the latest version.

"We predict that people will also have retractable metal arms in the future, thus eliminating the need to carry around selfie sticks," said evolutionary biologist Liesa Denson.

April 16, 2015

Local commoners enjoy Sequoyah Hills Dogwood Arts Trail

Yeoman farmers and members of the peasantry can enjoy the Dogwood Arts Trail in the Sequoyah Hills neighborhood for the next few days. The driving trail is one of several across the city, but the only one flanked by gated manorial estates. "Members of the lower classes enjoy looking at dogwood trees," said member of the Sequoyah Hills landed gentry Oswald Hardington. "And we enjoy looking at the common people once a year. It's the only time I get to see someone drive a Geo Prizm." The trails are part of the Dogwood Arts Festival, which was established in 1961. Sequoyah Hills will close its diamond-studded streets to the lower classes on April 26. "Remember that time people from Bearden and Farragut thought they were rich," said Earl of Cherokee Boulevard Fellini Cobblepot. "Peasants do amuse me so."

April 14, 2015

Lawmakers to vote on making 'NIV Faithgirlz! Bible' official version of Bible

Tennessee's House is set to vote on a bill today that would make the "NIV Faithgirlz! Bible" the official state version of the Bible. The proposed legislation has moved quickly through the legislative process. Supporters argue the bill is about highlighting the way the "Faithgirlz! Bible" is killin' it by using a 'z' instead of an 's,' and that it has quizzes you can take to get to know yourself. Critics say the "Faithgirlz! Bible" is way too girly to be the official state version of the Bible. "What we need is the 'Duck Dynasty'-themed 'Duck Commander Faith and Family Bible,'" said Rep. Bud Hulsey, R-Kingsport. "It comes with a personal welcome note from Phil and Al Robertson. Plus it has its very own beard."

April 12, 2015

North Knoxvillians hope historic home will be replaced with payday lender

North Knoxville residents are hopeful that a historic craftsman home at 2921 Broadway will be replaced by a new payday loan establishment. According to a preservationist group, the owners of the estate have been offered $1.2 million by a developer. If the owners are not able to find another buyer, the home could face demolition. "People keep saying a Wal-Mart will go here," said Toya Lyles. "As great as a house built in the early 1900s or a new big box store would be, what this area could really use is another short term loan provider. There just aren't enough places around here to get a good predatory loan." Cody Stroupe of Fountain City agreed. "There are only maybe a dozen payday lenders on Broadway," she said. "That's not nearly enough places to start a never-ending debt treadmill. We're going to have to steal one from Chapman Highway."

April 10, 2015

Knoxville swear jars prepare as Cumberland Avenue project begins

As two years of construction to transform the Cumberland Avenue Corridor began Monday, area swear jars prepared themselves for the impending onslaught of pocket change.

Phase I of the project involves installing gas, water and sewage lines from West Volunteer Boulevard to 22nd Street, reducing traffic to one lane in each direction. Phase I alone is expected to take two months of profanity.

Knoxville swear jars say they are already experiencing a significant increase in coin traffic.

"It's been a rough but profitable week," said one coin-filled Mason jar. "The sheer volume of monetary traffic is causing backups. Our household may have to switch to a wide-mouth jar. We may also need a 12 pack of the quart size."

The project will ultimately reduce the number of lanes on Cumberland Avenue from four to three, widen and landscape sidewalks, and add left turn lanes at intersections. But in the meantime, swear jar traffic will be a bleepity bleeping bleep.

"I just worry that we're putting 10 pounds of money to discourage cursing into a five-pound container," City Councilman Nick Della Volpe said of the project. "I guess we have to trust the cursing experts, but I'm more than a little concerned."

University of Tennessee professor of vulgarity Jennifer Martin agreed.

"I'm concerned that we are going to have more swearing than we can handle," she said. "This amount of expletives is unprecedented. I don't think even Lane Kiffin has prepared our swear jars for the sheer volume of foul language that we're in for in the next two years."

But other residents have been positive.

"A lot of people are looking at the downside," said cussing aficionado Misty DeMoss. "But there are some real upsides here. For one thing, I think I've come up with some brand new cursing combinations that I think will surprise a lot of people. My family will also be able to fund our vacation directly from the swear jar this year."

April 9, 2015

Downtown Chalk Walk to showcase art after jackass runs over it with bicycle

The Dogwood Arts Festival's popular Chalk Walk returns for its seventh year Saturday, showcasing beautiful chalk drawings that will later be deliberately run over by a narcissistic jackass with no soul. The event will take place from 8 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. on Market Square. Featured will be work by both professional and student artists. "The amount of detail in the art stuns me each year," said downtown resident Micah Norrell. "I make sure I come to look at it on Saturday before a complete failure of a human being leaves skid marks on it on purpose." City officials urge anyone witnessing a so-called person defacing the art to immediately throw that individual's bicycle off the Gay Street Bridge.

April 7, 2015

Tennessee restaurant closes after refusing to serve gluttons

A Tennessee eatery shuttered its doors Monday after refusing to serve gluttonous restaurant patrons. The Triple Bacon Burger Barn With Cheese found itself at the center of controversy over a "religious freedom" bill last week. The legislation allows business owners to cite religious beliefs as a defense when sued by a private party. "If gluttons came in and told us they wanted to order food, we'd have to say no," restaurant owner Blair Dorte told reporters Thursday. Dorte said things got awkward when he realized that all of his customers are gluttons. "I mean, our portion sizes are completely unreasonable," he said. "It's more than twice the amount of food that any reasonable human should eat in one sitting. But all these slobs just keep shoveling it in. So, yeah, this probably isn't going to work."

April 5, 2015

Heavy Easter baskets replenish parental candy supplies in Knoxville

East Tennessee parents celebrated today as they secretly restocked hidden candy stashes with the contents of their children's Easter baskets. Candy reservoir levels statewide have been dropping rapidly since Christmas, but are now at 90 percent capacity due to Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and inexplicably hollow chocolate bunnies. "The hidden candy supply of the upper cabinet is getting replenished," said Becca Kindvall, chief of the Knoxville candy stolen from the children under the rational that it isn't good for them and hidden away for parental consumption department. Officials said the next few months will be difficult, as parents must conserve pilfered confectionaries from now until Halloween. "The summer months are difficult," said Kindvall. "We desperately need Independence Day to get in the game here. It can't all be fireworks and hotdogs."

April 3, 2015

East Tennessee pollen wanted for violent sneezing

Knoxville police are looking for a course yellow powder accused of making a Knoxville man sneeze multiple times Tuesday, until he was forced to wipe his nose on his shirt sleeve because he didn't have a tissue handy.

Pollen, 243 million, is wanted for felonious assault following the sneezing, which repeatedly shook the entire frame of the victim, nearly knocking him off his feet.

Pollen is accused of transferring male gametes to female plant reproductive structures by means of the wind. The lightweight pollen was reportedly carried for long distances, where it was then inhaled by Knoxville's Sean Payton. The pollen came into contact with Payton's sensitive nasal passages, resulting in the violent assault.

"He just kept sneezing and sneezing," said witness Riana Longshaw. "It was really loud, too, almost like a seismic blast. Honestly, I'm surprised the guy is still alive. I lost count, but he must have sneezed like 10 times in a row. I wanted to help him, but I was afraid the pollen would come after me next, you know? I just keep thinking about the poor guy's family."

Days after the attack, Payton is in stable condition, but he is still suffering from red, watery eyes, nasal congestion, a runny nose, an itchy throat and an inability to stop blowing his nose.

"Eben now, it'd abbecting me," he said. "My fabe id a mess. I cade eben talk. My poor dose. I cab't lib like this. Subbody heb me."

Pollen was last known to live on every single outdoor East Tennessee surface during the spring. He has previously been arrested for assault on at least 19,000 previous occasions.

"This unconscionable attack will not go unpunished," said Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "We are doing everything we can to bring this allergen to justice before something like this happens again. If you see an impenetrable yellow film on the surface of your car, don't be a hero. Please call the authorities."

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