April 16, 2014

Fans who signed 'fire Cuonzo Martin petition' upset Cuonzo Martin leaving for California

Thousands of Tennessee basketball fans who signed a petition demanding that Cuonzo Martin be fired are upset that Cuonzo Martin has accepted a head coaching job at California. Martin was announced as the new coach of the Golden Bears yesterday afternoon. "How dare Cuonzo Martin leave our basketball program after we wanted him fired and replaced by Bruce Pearl," said a spokesperson for people who belong in an Aesop's Fable. "I can't believe how ungrateful he is for leaving us after we wanted him to leave after he later showed us that he is a much better coach than we thought he was," added a spokesperson for irony so delicious it must have been fried in butter. "And what a crappy coach he is for getting us to the Sweet Sixteen after no one expected it, but then losing to a better team. I'm glad he's leaving. But I'm still going to complain about it."

April 15, 2014

Spring reported missing near Knoxville, police say

Police are asking for the public's help to find a season last seen Monday in Knoxville. The missing time of year, spring, is described as the temperate season subsequent to winter and preceding summer, Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller said. Spring is about three months long and is relatively warm and has increased daylight. But friends say that spring's behavior is often erratic, prone to sudden rain storms and occasional cold fronts. Spring's disappearance came to the attention of Knoxville law enforcement this morning when they had to put on pants, socks and shoes instead of shorts and flip flops. A search and rescue team of 80 volunteers and eight search dogs will conduct a ground and air search for spring throughout the day. Police say a blood red moon last seen in the vicinity of the sky is wanted for questioning in connection with the disappearance.

April 13, 2014

Jay Leno announces he will replace Stephen Colbert as 'Late Show' host

Just 37 seconds after CBS revealed Stephen Colbert as the new host of the "Late Show," former "The Tonight Show" host Jay Leno announced that he has already replaced Colbert as host of the "Late Show." "I think that I would like to host the 'Late Show' next year instead of Stephen Colbert," said a spokesperson for TV shows Jay Leno would like to host so he is just going to host them now. "Leno proclaimed the decision Wednesday afternoon in a temper tantrum, less than a minute after CBS announced that Colbert would host the show after Letterman's retirement in 2015. This is not the first time Leno has gotten his way on a television show. In 2010 he took up residence in a garbage can on Sesame Street after evicting its former tenant, a moody green puppet.

April 11, 2014

Tennessee Senate passes bill legalizing Dungeons & Dragons weaponry

State senators voted today to legalize clubs, javelins, light maces, spiked gauntlets, morningstars, battleaxes, rapiers, scimitars, short swords, broadswords and other types of weaponry favored by dwarves, elves, paladins, rangers, swordmages and other character classes.

The bill was sponsored by Sen. Mike Bell, R-Riceville, and passed on a rare, unanimous 30-0 vote. The measure has yet to move to the House.

Bell said he first realized there was a problem with the state's weaponry laws after he set off on an adventure with several other player characters but was unable to defend himself after his party was surprised by three hobgoblins.

"This bill is an attempt to rewrite our weaponry laws to benefit all our character classes," said Bell. "How are our brave rangers and paladins supposed to inflict 1d6+1 damage during their turns so that they can gain experience points and advance a level when they can't even defend themselves with triple-headed flails and throwing hammers?"

Under current state law, clubs, javelins, light maces, spiked gauntlets, morningstars, battleaxes, rapiers, scimitars, short swords, broadswords and similar weaponry are illegal to knowingly use to slay boneclaws, carrion crawlers, dragons, gargoyles, ghosts, hags, harpies, trolls or vampires.

Sen. Douglas Henry, D-Nashville, said the legislation will make it much easier for a defender, striker, controller and leader to search for the mythical Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth.

"According to legend, somewhere in the Yatil Mountains, to the south of Perrenland, there is a treasure of enormous value that numerous adventurers have perished in search of," said Henry. "Surely those adventurers would have fared better if they could have legally carried spiked shields and hand axes to battle the terrible monsters under the depths of the earth."

State legislators believe adventurers will now have a much easier time facing Drelzna, the vampire-daughter of the long-dead archmage Iggwily.

"I mean, I still wouldn't go into the forgotten temple of Tharizdun until I was at least a level 10 barbarian," said Frank Nicely, R-Strawberry Plains. "But at least this will give people a fighting chance."

April 10, 2014

Boomsday to be televised on pay-per-view

More changes are in store for this year's Boomsday Labor Day fireworks festival. In addition to a $20 price tag for premium seating at this year's event, the fireworks display will also be televised on a pay-per-view basis across East Tennessee. Suggested retail price is $19.95 for the telecast, which will be available in high-definition. Organizers say that by charging for the television broadcast, they will make more money. "Boomsday was aired for free live on television in the past," said Boomsday director of seeing dollar signs Catherine Stallings. "We have found that by charging for the broadcast we will make significantly more money, so we're going to do that instead." Organizers say they also plan to offer a cheaper $14.95 package for people who just want to hear the fireworks explode in the distance.

April 8, 2014

Small Town Sheriff Stereotype kicks off campaign for Knox County Sheriff

The stereotype of a small town Southern sheriff officially kicked off his campaign for Knox County Sheriff Monday. Small Town Sheriff Stereotype told reporters he decided to run against incumbent Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones because he feels law enforcement in East Tennessee could be more trite and conventional. "I would like to see Knox County be more of a place where I can go around arresting whoever I want without involving the judicial system," said Small Town Sheriff Stereotype. "Also I am a sweaty, overweight Southerner in a white suit with a bumbling deputy who is easily outsmarted by them ol' Duke boys. And I chew tobacco and/or smoke cigars. What else could Knox County even want in a shuruff?"

April 6, 2014

Dogwood Arts Festival kicks off with pollen

The Dogwood Arts Festival commenced its celebration of the arts, culture and natural beauty of East Tennessee last week with pollen. Hundreds of Knoxville residents reveled in the release of airborne allergens by increasing mucus production, wiping runny noses on shirt sleeves, rubbing itchy eyes until they turned bloodshot and sneezing uncontrollably. "Pollen is one of my favorite things about the Dogwood Arts Festival," said Anthony Mignola, a longtime fan of pronouncing the word "have" as "hab" during the springtime months. "I absolutely love the excitement of my nose turning into a leaky faucet and the vibrant beauty of my car developing a thick layer of green dust. Here's to popping antihistamines like candy until October." The Dogwood Arts Festival continues throughout the month with several other events, including 37 tornado warnings per week and students gradually losing all interest in school work.

April 4, 2014

Anderson County man inexplicably grilling Portobello mushrooms

Clinton resident Matthew Akridge has seen some strange things in his 40 years living in Anderson County. But he says something he saw this week tops them all.

On Wednesday evening Akridge was taking advantage of the warm weather to sizzle some hotdogs and hamburgers over the coals on his charcoal grill, as he has done hundreds of times. That's when he looked over the fence into his neighbor's backyard and saw something he couldn't believe. The man next door fired up his Weber Genesis E-330 637-Square-Inch Grill, only to layer the grate what appeared to be a large circular fungus.

"I was so surprised I nearly dropped my beer," said Akridge. "I had never seen anything like it. Here was a person with a top of the line grill, but what he had on the flame didn't appear to be meat. At least, it wasn't like any meat I've ever seen."

Akridge took some photos and sent them to his friends.

"The photos told us more about what the mysterious foodstuff wasn't that what it was," said Bill Steinman. "It wasn't a skirt steak or a T-Bone or a Porterhouse. It wasn't a pork chop or a lamp fillet or even a chicken breast. It was like something straight out of 'The Twilight Zone.'"

Akridge eventually called his wife Kimberly outside, who was able to explain that the object on the grill was called a Portobello mushroom.

"I've heard about people like this," she said of the incident. "I mean, I can't explain it. But I've heard about it. Some people grill vegetables. It doesn't make much sense, but lots of things don't make sense in this life. Like some people don't eat gravy with their biscuits, and some people eat dinner instead of supper. You just have to say 'bless their little hearts' and get on with it."

To add further confusion to the evening, Akridge's neighbor later layered the grill with asparagus and drizzled it with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

April 3, 2014

Haslam administration drops raises for teachers, citing Haslam administration incentives to Volkswagen

Gov. Bill Haslam announced Monday that his previous plan to give teachers raises has been put on hold, citing $300 million in incentives his administration already promised to Volkswagen. Haslam told angry teachers and state workers he needs to eliminate a $160 million state budget gap and the money that could have closed it is going to a multinational auto company. "Yeah, sorry we broke our promise to you," Haslam said. "We kind of sort of made another promise to Volkswagen that we kind of sort of threatened to not keep if their plant in Chattanooga kind of sort of unionized. Man, that sounds kind of sort of awful when you say it out loud." Haslam added that maybe Oprah would buy all state employees a car like she did for her studio audience that one time.

April 1, 2014

Sock puppet visitation will soon be only option for Knox County inmates

Visits to the Knox County jail to talk to incarcerated family or friends used to take place face to face. But soon if you want to visit an inmate in Knox County Sheriff's Office custody, all you will need is a hand and a preferably clean tube sock. Beginning in a couple of weeks, the Knox County jail will implement its new garment-based puppetry visitation program, which it demonstrated to the media on Friday. "This will add a little bit of whimsy to the detention facility," said KCSO spokespuppet Socks Cousteau. "Visitors will soon be able to duck down behind a table and speak to inmates through cotton or wool socks. When done properly, the stocking-encased hand perfectly resembles a mouth." Officials said if the program goes well that diorama visitations may be implemented next year.

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