The slow food movement has been pushing back against fast food culture for nearly three decades.

That's true locally as well, where one Knoxville restaurant does its part to prepare its meals as slowly as humanly possible.

"We love the slow food movement," said Andrea Mosley, the owner of a slow food eatery downtown. "But what we're really going for is more of a slow food lack of movement."

Mosley has been operating her restaurant for just over a year now. She sees herself as helping Americans to rebel against fast food by making them wait so long to be served that they begin hallucinating.

"Some restaurants will throw a meal together for you in five minutes like it's an easy thing to put meat, cheese and vegetables between a couple of pieces of bread," said Jim Kretsu, a frequent patron of Mosley's eatery. "Even if there is no one else in the restaurant waiting in line, they refuse to take their sweet time in preparing your food. That is exactly what is wrong with this country. Food should be lovingly hand-crafted. If my food takes less than 45 minutes to make, I won't eat it."

Kretsu isn't alone. Many people in Knoxville have taken to Mosley's vision for making diners wait a really long time to eat.

"I think it's my favorite restaurant," said Justin Suarez. "It's the best place in town to go to wait 40 minutes for them to make pasta salad. You just don't get that kind of service at Burger King."

Mosley says that her restaurant is committed to community, leisurely dining and the health of those who eat there.

"Americans really like to eat," she said. "Sometimes the best way to make sure they stay healthy is to not feed them. Or to make a person wait until his body has already begun to digest itself."

"The best restaurant meal is one where you can walk back to your house, make a meal yourself, eat it, wash dishes and then walk back to the restaurant before your food has reached you," said Brianne Hembree. "That is the type of experience I am looking for at an eatery."

A woman who resides in the 2012th year of the Common Era is still opting to reply all to e-mails when given the chance, a new study has revealed. Researchers at the University of Tennessee confirmed through a study that Doris Whitten, 46, clicks "reply all" instead of just "reply" at least once a week when responding to e-mails that have been copied to multiple recipients. "This data is interesting because it suggests that there are people have not learned that if you click 'reply,' you send a response to only one person, rather than to 200 additional people who do not care," said research scientist Dana Moreside. About 100 percent of the women studied were also shown to still be using AOL for some reason, which apparently still exists.

Search and rescue teams Monday are continuing their search for a music festival that went missing in Knoxville in 2010. A helicopter crew will take to the sky Tuesday to look for Big Ears Festival, 3, of Knoxville. Big Ears Festival was last seen in March of 2010 before becoming separated from music fans after a difficult scheduling conflict, Knoxville Police Department officials said. "The area is not for average music festivals," said police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "The terrain is really rugged. You can get lost so easily if you aren't careful. We always recommend that music festivals tell a friend where they'll be before they go out alone." Search and rescue teams have found some of Big Ears Festival's belongings, but he himself remains missing, police said. Organized by Knoxville's A.C. Entertainment, the 2010 festival was praised by "Rolling Stone" as "arguably the classiest, most diverse festival in the country."

A lighthearted Chicago teen is in jail today after he was busted for boppin' on Market Square Saturday night. Ren McCormack was taken into custody shortly before midnight after he began dancing in a city cafe that has no permit for dancing. A 1962 Knoxville ordinance requires establishments that serve beer to have an open floor with at least 144 square feet that are separate from drinking areas. The law was passed because Tennessee legislators at the time believed dancing to be a gateway sexual activity. "Seems that a bunch of kids was raising some hell over on Market Square a few days back," said police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "Tore up the fields, turned over a tractor and everything. Today someone suggested to me there's been some trouble up at the high school. I think it was drugs." This is not the first time the downtown pedestrian mall has run afoul of the law. In 2010, a Market Square restaurant was cited for not offering a hitching post for horses near the front of its building.

A group of Knoxville superheroes has successfully brought a malevolent Fountain City crematorium to justice.

The super group consisting of Johnny Knoxville, Quentin Tarantino, Megan Fox, Robin Wilhoit and a Fountain City duck stopped the crematorium from annoying the neighborhood's residents by existing near them.

The team was formed by perpetual Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Basil Marceaux, director of the peacekeeping organization known as "VOTE FOR ME AND IF I WIN I WILL IMMUNE YOU FROM ALL STATE CRIMES FOR THE REST OF YOU LIFE!"

Marceaux assembled the members of the team after the residents of Fountain City were viciously forced to live near the crematorium after it was issued a permit through the proper city channels.

"As soon as I heard about this grave injustice, that's when I sprang into action," said Marceaux. "I gathered together Knoxville's mightiest heroes for a little bit of street justice."

Marceaux's super team included: Fox, whose super power is to be all hot and stuff; Tarantino, who possesses a nearly indestructible ego; Knoxville, who has the ability to stick rusty nails in his colon without dying; a Fountain City duck, whose favorite color is blood; and Wilhoit, who is incapable of being disliked.

"The team acted immediately," said Marceaux. "Megan and Robin distracted the crematorium while Quentin's ego and the duck pummeled the building with blow after merciless blow. It didn't stand a chance. Meanwhile Johnny Knoxville was over in the corner eating flaming shards of glass off an overweight man's hairy stomach. I'm not really sure why. That guy is one weird kid. And I know a little something about weird."

After ironically burning the crematorium and scattering its ashes to the wind, Marceaux vowed that the team would go its separate ways until the residents of Fountain City are again threatened by the forces of City Council.

The evil crematorium is not the first menace the Knoxville Avengers have faced, however. On Saturday the group defeated Super Moon, an intergalactic menace whose super power is to appear about 14 percent bigger and 30 percent brighter than normal.

A group of prominent Old Testament figures residing in North Carolina were among voters who passed a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage Tuesday. The ban passed by a margin of 61 percent to 39 percent. Over 1.5 million votes were cast in the referendum. "Marriage was meant to be between one man and three women, and possibly several more concubines," said Abraham, one supporter of the ban. "But not between two men. Ewww, that's so gross." The amendment alters North Carolina's constitution to say "marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state." "Wait, what," said David, former ruler of Judah and the United Kingdom of Israel. "The amendment says marriage is between one man and one woman? Well that just doesn't seem right at all. Seven of my wives are going to be really mad about this."

A Farragut woman who typed 'LOL' while chatting with a friend on Facebook did not in fact laugh out loud, witnesses say. "Her face kind of contorted to what I guess you could describe as a mild smirk," said Robert Miller, who was sitting at a nearby table when the chat conversation took place at about 9:30 a.m. Monday. "But that was really about it. I definitely didn't hear anything like laughter." Other witnesses corroborate Miller's account. "She told people she laughed out loud," said Ashley Denning. "That's ridiculous. I had three double shots of espresso yesterday morning. I was wide awake. If she had laughed, I would have known. And she certainly didn't laugh her ass off. I saw that thing. It was huge." The typist, whose name was not released, is believed to be a pathological liar.

LENOIR CITY -- An article profiling the life of a gay student written for the Lenoir City High School yearbook has led several of the city's residents to call for a ban on empathy. The article, which was composed by the yearbook's staff of students, interviews a student about what it is like to be gay in a small East Tennessee town. After the school's yearbooks were distributed last Friday, a number of Lenoir City residents asked the city to ban compassion effective immediately. "This ability to recognize and share the feelings that are experienced by other sentient beings has got to stop and it has got to stop now," said Lenoir City resident Dan Cavers. "What are we supposed to do, constantly think about what life might be like for other people? That's a load of crap. I'm not going to do it."

Sweetwater resident Paul Bruner has been a vampire for years, but he's worried about his prospects this year.

"Mosquitoes don't care about undead creatures who subsist on blood," he said. "They just want to take all the good blood for themselves. They're little jerks. All they care about is me, me, me."

Bruner is one of several vampires in the East Tennessee area who are concerned about this year's mosquito season, which promises to be longer due to the mild winter.

Many of the local vampires turned out in downtown Knoxville Thursday to protest the increased mosquito activity and to ask the government to take action. They lined up in front of the City County Building with signs reading, "We'll give mosquitoes our blood when they take it from our cold, undead lips" and "There will be blood."

Local health department officials say they're concerned about the potentially lengthy mosquito season, but not necessarily because of vampires.

"We've had a lot of warm weather and a lot of wet weather," said Knox County Health Department spokesman Daniel Aurdal. "When you have those things, you have mosquitoes. It's like how when you get the Tennessee legislature together, you get a lot of stupid."

He continued, "We're working hard to address this problem. But it's really because mosquitoes are annoying, not because we want to help vampires. Mosquitoes can cause West Nile. But vampires can cause teenage angst and really bad novels. It's a tossup which one is worse."

Nonetheless, Aurdal said that crews will be out every day, using larvicide to kill hatching insects, setting traps in known problem areas and burning copies of "Twilight."

Bruner said he hopes officials will act quickly so they can go on to kill those officials and drink their blood.

"The mosquitoes are already out in full force," he said. "It's hard enough to be a vampire in East Tennessee. There are too many people with guns. And in football season the blood alcohol content is always so high. Now we have to compete with annoying flying insects, too."

Knoxville's iconic Sunsphere is having an early mid-life crisis. The hexagonal steel truss structure, who celebrated his 30th birthday this week, says he is embarrassed by how much time he spends in bars and thinks it stems from questioning his life as he gets older. "This just isn't where I thought I'd be at 30," said the symbol of the 1982 World's Fair. "I'm still single. I'm unemployed. I've gained 30 pounds since college. I'll probably never have kids to live vicariously through. I doubt I could even be a joke on 'The Simpsons' now. Maybe I should get a red sports car and get it over with." The Sunsphere says that he is thinking of going to see a counselor, but that he might drunk text his old girlfriend first.