September 16, 2014

Bob Corker suffers knee injury against Democrats

The Republicans lost Tennessee junior senator Bob Corker to a knee injury late in the third quarter of Monday's game against the second-ranked Democrats. Corker's last carry was a nay vote against the Paycheck Fairness Act with 1:07 left on the clock. The former construction company executive was carried off the floor in a stretcher and did not return. Corker, a former starting mayor for Chattanooga, emerged from a mediocre 111th Congress to become a ranking member of the Senate Special Committee on Aging. The junior senator signed with the Senate Republicans in 2006 with the reputation of a scrappy policy wonk who could block legislation hard, but who was injury prone. Corker may miss the next several games. The loss could be a tremendous blow for the Republican Senators, who are already playing without star legislation blocker Ted Cruz, who is currently on the injury list with a broken femur.

September 14, 2014

Is the new Vols' jersey a chess board?

Tennessee apparel stores Wednesday began selling a new gray jersey with an orange and gray checkered pattern on the sleeves and shoulders. The move has fueled speculation that the Vols' new uniform may be a chess board and that the team may open with the popular 1.e4 move. "We suspect that the Vols will be playing 1.e4, which is a popular opening maneuver with many strengths," said chess jersey analyst Tammy Scollan. "This opens lines for both the king's bishop and the queen. But it does leave the Vols open to the Sicilian Defense or to Alekhine's Defense." Fans hope that the Vols are able to checkmate black by using a two knights endgame. Other analysts say the new jerseys will instead be a racing flag, indicating that the race is finished.

September 12, 2014

Knoxville superhero finds downside of good news in single bound

A super-powered Knoxville resident is able to see the downside of good news about his city with shocking ease.

Dwayne Comer of Old North Knoxville was born with the superhuman ability to take any positive development and turn it on its head, seeing that situation in the worst possible light. Comer, who does not wear a mask or hide his identity, uses his incredible ability for the benefit of Knoxville's citizens whenever possible.

Earlier this week, for example, he was able to rescue a downtown resident from the perils of positive downtown developments by informing her that the center city can't sustain retail businesses and that "Mrs. Doubtfire" didn't make the cut for Movies on Market Square this year.

The previous week he saved an optimist by reminding him that even though Knoxville now has bicycles for rent downtown, no one will use them, and anyway, cyclists don't know how to share the road with cars.

"Sure, Boomsday was attended by about 325,000 people, the Vols have opened their football season at 2-0, and Knoxville has recently had positive news coverage in the New York Post and in USA Today," said Comer. "But I think what's important to think about is that it took me 10 minutes to find a parking spot downtown on game day and that the Vols' new 'third down for what?' slogan makes no sense."

At one time Comer was even invited to join a team of superheroes called the X-Men. But he was quickly kicked out of the group after he told the team's leadership that their comic books and movies were confusing, boring and, overall, pretty terrible when you think about it.

Local residents say they are grateful to have someone like Comer protecting their city from good things.

"Just imagine what would happen if the people of Knoxville saw their city as a cool place to live that people from other cities could fall in love with too," said Jenni Gower. "It would be a total disaster."

September 11, 2014

Tennessee fans bored to tears after Googling 'What is a Sooner?'

UT football fans Wednesday reported deep regret at having Googled the phrase "What is a Sooner?" The obscure proper noun is both the University of Oklahoma's nickname and a tremendously boring thing having something to do with American history. "I saw the words 'Homestead Act of 1862' and 'Indian Appropriations Act of 1889,' and then about 12 paragraphs of text unaccompanied by a photo," said Tennessee fan Ellie Rao. "Then I just kind of closed that browser tab and took a couple of Buzzfeed quizzes to get the taste out of my mouth." "For a state shaped like a meat cleaver, Oklahoma sure knows how to make a guy stop reading after two sentences," added Garrett Ackerson. "It must have something to do with being right next to Kansas."

September 9, 2014

East Knoxville not very safe, says man who just ate five funnel cakes

According to an East Tennessee man who ate the weight of a small mammal in fried dough covered in powdered sugar, East Knoxville is not very safe. Fairgoer Jimmy Arrol spent Sunday afternoon increasing his risk of heart attack, stroke, sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes and certain types of cancer, while he simultaneously explained to his friends that he would not be caught dead on Magnolia Ave. at night because it would be too risky. "I've heard that East Knoxville is in a bad part of town," said Arrol between bites of Italian sausage, popcorn and cotton candy, and gulps from a gallon of sugary soda. "I'm going to play it safe by leaving before it gets dark. I don't want to take any chances with my health."

September 7, 2014

Oliver Springs man has yet to form political opinion about fluoride

An East Tennessee man has yet to take a stance on the controversial political issue of adding fluoride to drinking water. According to sources close to Jim Mayes of Oliver Springs, the 43-year-old electrician has not definitively come out against or in favor of adding the inorganic anion to municipal drinking water. This despite a Thursday vote by his town's Board of Alderman to discontinue adding the chemical to its water supply. "Where does Jim stand on the issue of fluoride," said one concerned citizen. "Does he think we are poisoning the water system? Or does he think that we are increasing tooth decay? This is one of several thousand very important issues that Jim needs to form an opinion about. We really need to know what side he is on." This is not the first time Mayes has remained undecided on a hot button issue. He has also failed to form an opinion about same-sex marriage and fast food chicken, spelling the word "women" as "womyn," or on whether John Cena should regain the WWE world championship at the upcoming Night of Champions pay-per-view.

September 5, 2014

Disposable diaper forces increase attacks on cloth diaper stronghold

Pro-cloth diaper separatists battled Thursday to keep advancing disposable diaper forces at bay on the outskirts of a post on a Facebook group, the rebels' main stronghold in southern Internet.

Shelling by disposable diaper troops angered eight people, disseminated inaccurate information and left three civilians with hurt feelings.

Fighting between the two groups has intensified since greenclothmama1121 posted a tongue-in-cheek blog post entitled "Top 10 Reasons Not To Use Cloth Diapers," which sarcastically listed reasons not to use disposable diapers. With each side blaming the other for making mean-spirited jokes, relations between the cloth diaper separatists and disposable diaper forces are deteriorating rapidly.

"Operation OMG Cloth Diapers Leak And They Smell And My Son's Daycare Won't Let Us Use Them And Nobody Cares About The Environment That Much Anyway started late yesterday morning," said rockinmama37 of Knoxville. "The enemy is retreating and our forces are making substantial advances so far. At least two pro-disposable diaper moms have been captured, but we are confident that we can free them during our next offensive."

In retaliation, cloth diaper separatists launched Operation OMG When I Saw That I Just Rolled My Eyes LOL How Can Anyone Be That Ignorant? You Better Believe I Corrected Her Why Would Anyone Want To Wear Plastic Underwear Soaked In Chemicals All Day Anyway?, which they are confident will drive back enemy troops.

"There is an inappropriate presence of disposable diaper servicemoms here now," said coffeemom93. "This is nothing but a violation of the provisions of the Baby Wise-Attachment Parenting Peace Treaty of 2013. But once they see that cloth diapers work better, are cheaper in the long run and are better for the environment, they will retreat."

Meanwhile, Kristi LeBlanc, an inhabitant of Facebook, said residents are fleeing the area.

"We are hearing heavy bickering all day and all night," she said. "Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm not even going to have kids now. My cats just use the litter box and no one yells at me for that."

September 4, 2014

Tennessee receives most AP poll points since last time it received this many AP poll points

Tennessee received 14 points in the AP Top 25 poll released on Tuesday. It was the highest number of poll points the Vols have received since the football team last received that many or more poll points. "The Vols have done a thing they haven't done since the last time they did that thing," said a spokesperson for the way reality works. "Next week Tennessee will either receive more poll points than this week or fewer poll points than this week, unless they receive the same number of poll points they received this week. It's an exciting time to be a fan." The AP poll comes on the heels of other good news for the Vols. Sunday's game against Utah State marks the first time the team has played an opening game in front of a sellout crowd at Neyland Stadium since the last time it played an opening game in front of a sellout crowd at Neyland Stadium. "We plan to just keep doing things we have not done since that other time or times that we did them," said head football coach Butch Jones.

September 2, 2014

Fair to serve deep-fried cholesterol

Every year, fairs across the country serve up unusual deep-fried edibles. This year is no exception. This weekend, at least one vendor at East Tennessee's favorite fair will be serving up deep-fried cholesterol. According to a spokesperson for the eatery, the stand will take the familiar organic molecule, dip it in batter, then fry it and serve it smothered in chocolate sauce. The dish will cost $5, or $8 if topped with fried chicken. Tennessee director of fair snacks Tricia Lamont said hungry fair patrons are already lining up for the dish. "People always want something different," she said. "Last year they came for the cream cheese-stuffed saturated fat on a stick and the bacon-wrapped, trans fat dipped in Kool-Aid. But you always have to top yourself."

August 31, 2014

UT students vote to name student section '6 Percent Tuition Increase'

Students at the University of Tennessee have voted to name the student section at Neyland Stadium "6 Percent Tuition Increase," the college announced today. Students voted on the new name in a web poll that ended on Aug. 24. Students selected the new name from five contenders. The other choices were Wink Wink Dry Campus Nudge Nudge, We Spent An Hour Looking For Student Parking, 8 O' Clock Classes Are For Suckers and We Are A Group Of Grown Adult Men Who Paint Orange Letters On Our Bare Chests. This is not the first time UT students have participated in democracy. Earlier this month 82 percent of UT students opted-in to voting Stacey Campfield out of public office.

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