October 13, 2015
A shortage of canned pumpkin this year has a large member of the Cucurbitaceae family calling for pie-makers not to cut him open, scoop out his innards and bake him. The Great Pumpkin that rises out of a pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys broke a near 50-year silence Monday to warn against using his edible orange flesh for cooking sweetened pastries. "This isn't 'The Walking Dead,'" the Great Pumpkin told reporters at a press conference. "And if you kill and eat me, Linus will continue to be disappointed. Frankly, sweet potato pie is better anyway. Pumpkin is completely bland without spices. Sweet potato pie is lighter and sweeter. Never listen to a Yankee when it comes to dessert."
October 11, 2015
According to local health officials, a large majority of Knoxville's population did not disappear into thin air Saturday, but was just at the Tennessee game. Officials were initially concerned because it seemed as if hundreds of people had simply vanished. It was later revealed that most of them were at Neyland Stadium. "While it initially appeared that in accordance with a premillennial dispensationalist view of Christian eschatology believers were caught up together in the clouds to meet Jesus in the air, East Tennessee were actually watching the Vols finally win a game," said area theologian Jason Sherrard. "That in itself is a kind of miracle." Sherrard said that while the Vols' recent performance could be compared to so-called Great Tribulation, it in no way appears to have ushered in the End Times.
October 9, 2015
The human living in Mr. Whiskers' house remains in violation of the Cat Napping on Lap Treaty, according to a report released by Mr. Whiskers this week. The one-sided agreement was established in 2011 by Mr. Whiskers.
The report, which surveys compliance with Mr. Whiskers' commitment to sleep on top of the human whenever and wherever he wants, found that the human is violating its obligations "to obey Mr. Whiskers' bidding in all things."
The allegations, raised by Mr. Whiskers on Tuesday, center on Mr. Whiskers' human standing up and going into the kitchen to make a sandwich. Mr. Whiskers reported his human did not share the sandwich, despite his repeated attempts to consume its meaty filling.
"This is a very serious matter which I have attempted to address with my human for some time now," Mr. Whiskers said Tuesday.
The issue was first raised with the human in early 2014, but "its response did not resolve my concerns," Mr. Whiskers confirmed.
Mr. Whiskers has raised several other apprehensions about the human's behavior. Last week, for instance, Mr. Whiskers discovered that he could see the bottom of his second food bowl and was concerned he might starve to death. Mr. Whiskers said the human has refused to get rid of the dog, and has not installed a requested third litter box. The human has further been found in violation of not letting Mr. Whiskers drink from her water glass.
"I'm losing confidence in the human," said Mr. Whiskers. "Further action may be necessary."
Mr. Whiskers said he has not ruled out biting or scratching the human, or using the bathroom on her bed if necessary.
While the unilateral talks with the human on a variety of topics have broken down in recent months, Mr. Whiskers has extended an invitation to the human to let it rub his belly. Mr. Whiskers said he ultimately believes the human has the potential to return to treaty compliance if it chooses.
October 8, 2015
A woman who is suing the city of Knoxville for not allowing guns inside Chilhowee Park during the Tennessee Valley Fair is suing the state of Tennessee for not allowing guns inside courtrooms in the state. An attorney for the woman said she "cannot safely attend" her court case to sue Knoxville since she will not be allowed to bring her gun. According to the lawsuit, filed Wednesday, the "plaintiff understands and believes suing people and other general interest events held in 'gun free' zones such as courtrooms are uniquely susceptible to violent crime." "Our client was prepared to sue the city for infringing on her rights, but it is simply too dangerous for her to be inside a courtroom without her trusty firearm at her side," said her attorney. "I mean, there are lawyers in there, for heaven's sake."
October 6, 2015
A Knoxville Vols' football fan announced today that he will be going as disappointment this year for Halloween. Andy Rosen, 28, told friends he will be dressing up as intense sadness caused by another year of hopes and dreams crushed into a smoldering ruin of unfulfillment by Tennessee's performance this season. "It was either that or Charlie Brown," said Rosen. "It's pretty much the same thing so far this year." Rosen said the costume will feature him looking happy in the first two quarters, then dismayed and sad after the half, before finally deciding not to buy season tickets next year. Neighbors said they look forward to giving Rosen rocks and dental floss while the other neighborhood kids get candy.
October 4, 2015
A rare breed of rock and roll frontman was photographed Wednesday at Radnor Lake State Park near Nashville. The elusive Mick Jagger (Can'tgetno satisfactionus) was photographed preening against a wooden trail fence looking countercultural 40 years ago and British. Mick Jaggers are known for playing a ridiculous number of live shows despite being in their 70s, making your band's single show at The Pilot Light this month seem kind of pathetic in comparison. Anthony Sande, a Nashville birdwatcher, says he called the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency to report the sighting. "It was the second time I've seen the Mick Jagger in the wild," he said. "I saw him once come out of the woods in the Smokies and drink from a stream, then belt out a couple of bars from 'Brown Sugar.' He's a truly majestic creature."
October 2, 2015
Rotting local, a consumer preference for letting locally grown, locally sourced foods decompose in their kitchens, is one of the fastest growing segments of the farming industry.
Knoxville is hardly an exception to the trend. In recent years, the Market Square Farmer's Market has become a fixture of downtown. Community supported agriculture has also become popular, allowing families to buy shares in a local farm so they have fresh fruits and vegetables to forget about until they decay.
The Lawrence family of Parkridge is one household supporting this lifestyle.
"Choosing a local farm means I know exactly where the food rotting in my refrigerator comes from," Nessa Lawrence said as she gently tossed a wilted batch of greens into her trash can. "I know these fresh vegetables that I will leave in a drawer for a month until they become liquid came from the soil right here in East Tennessee, not from some factory farm on the other side of the country."
Each week of the growing season, the Lawrences have crammed fresh radishes, squash, cucumbers, tomatoes and other vegetables they have never even heard of into their refrigerator until entropy runs its course.
"These tomatoes that I left in a bowl on the counter until they became a habitat for fruit flies weren't grown with harmful fertilizers and pesticides," said Nessa's husband Tyrone. "I'm really appreciative of that."
"It's really exciting to know where the food I don't eat comes from," added 16-year-old Isabella. "When my parents aren't cooking that beautiful Rainbow Chard because no one knows what the hell to do with it, I'm thankful it was grown right here in my local economy."
Now that the growing season is nearly over, the Lawrences say they will look forward to another year of fresh but not for long vegetables grown practically in their own backyard.
"It was a good year of barely attempting to eat local food," said Nessa. "Maybe next year we'll even plant our own garden and not eat from it."
September 30, 2015
An election was apparently held in Knoxville Tuesday in which the mayor, a municipal judge and four city council seats were up for re-election. Voter turnout consisted of some guy and maybe another lady and probably a couple of other people. "I found out last night there was voting yesterday," said Blake Streeter, a West Knoxville resident who thinks he might be registered to vote but isn't totally sure. "So weird. I thought that only happened in November. I hope it wasn't for anything important, like the public officials who will represent us in the government for the foreseeable future. But on the other hand, it was National Coffee Day. I got six free cups of steaming hot caffeine." Knoxville residents said they also spent Tuesday securing their copyright by copy and pasting some official sounding words into a Facebook status update.
September 28, 2015
Last night's Blood Moon Eclipse failed to usher in the Great Fourth Age of Suffering as prophesied in the Ancient Scroll of Clandestine Knowledge. Sunday's rare harbinger of doom was a confluence of a supermoon and a lunar eclipse, resulting in a cool looking coppery reddish moon, but not in the Coming of the Primordial Olden Ones Who Seek to Destroy from Beneath the Mounded Sands of the Antediluvian Deep. Students of The Prophesy said they must have got the wrong cosmic event. "This happens every time," said the Wisdom Keeper of the Celestial Vision. "One of these really rare astronomical events that happen five or six times a year comes around and we blow the prophesy like we're Butch Jones or something." The Ancient Ancients said probably the Great Fourth Age will happen during the conjunction of Venus, Mars and Jupiter next month, or in the Leonids meteor shower the month after that.
September 26, 2015
An angry mob of Tennessee fans with torches and pitchforks gathered in Gainesville and on the Internet tonight to chase Vols' head coach Butch Jones (Boris Karloff) back to East Tennessee. Jones blew a 13-point lead to lose Tennessee's 11th straight game against the Gators. The heartbreaking loss comes on the heels of a previous heartbreaking loss to Oklahoma, in which the Vols gave up a 17 point lead to, hell, it's too depressing to even type again. "I'm going to spend the rest of the evening drinking until I don't feel sad anymore and wondering who the next head coach will be," sighed one mob member. Tennessee fans took some consolation in the knowledge that Florida will soon collapse into the sea due to climate change.