February 11, 2016
An Anderson County granny was rushed to the hospital Wednesday after being unable to make from scratch biscuits. Brenda Stellmach, 56, was heading towards the preheated oven with a baking sheet of canned biscuits when her husband grabbed the phone and called 911. Paramedics say the man's quick thinking may have saved supper. "It was horrible," said David Stellmach, 58. "Instead of heating a mixture of flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, butter and milk until it rises, she smacked a tube of Pillsbury Grands against the counter, tore into the perforation and placed the premade globs one to two inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Like some Yankee." Stellmach is undergoing cooking therapy to learn how to make buttermilk biscuits with actual ingredients like the good Lord intended. This is not the first time Stellmach's health has failed her. In 2015 she made macaroni and cheese out of a box.
February 9, 2016
With one Super Bowl appearance to his name, 38-year-old Coldplay frontman Chris Martin has a decision to make: will he walk away from the game of football halftime shows, or will he stick around another season? The English musician hasn't made a decision yet, but Peyton Manning's mom knows what her son's halftime entertainment should do. "I would like for Chris Martin to retire," said Manning's mom, Olivia Manning. "I just don't think it's worth going on. He played the Super Bowl. That's the best place to play slow and bland and miserable songs. Walk away while you're on top of people saying they hate you, but also secretly singing your songs at the top of their lungs in the car at stoplights when no one is looking. As long as I'm here, Macklemore is also terrible."
February 7, 2016
Parts of East Tennessee could see more than half a week of snow days Tuesday, according to the National Weather Service. Precipitation and falling temperatures are expected Monday, which could bring a new snow day accumulation of three to five days. A snow day advisory is in effect from immediately until schools close before a single flake of snow has even fallen. "We're expecting periods of heavy snow dayfall starting sometime in the next five minutes," said East Tennessee meteorologist Tanisha Mitchell. "The week's milk and bread shopping could get pretty ugly, too. Be careful out there." The region is also expected to see 10-20 snarky comments about school closings from people who have moved here from Minnesota and Wisconsin.
February 5, 2016
Dozens of angry letters took to the streets today to demand the NFL return the letter "L."
The league is taking a one year hiatus from its traditional use of Roman numerals. This year's Super Bowl championship game is named with the Arabic numeral 50 instead.
Many football fans are happy with the decision, citing how long it's been since they learned about letters that are also weirdly numbers back in second grade.
But the protesters say Roman numerals in the Super Bowl are as American as apple pie and not understanding the Iowa Caucus.
"The NFL says L isn't aesthetically pleasing," said the enraged 12th letter of the alphabet. "Like Super Bowl XXXVIII and Super Bowl XLVIII were eye candy. And I think we all remember how awkward Super Bowl XXX was."
The NFL said it understands the alphabet's frustration, but insists the letter L just looks weird all by itself in a sporting event title.
"It's just a one-year hiatus," said the league's vice president of counting Count von Count. "One, one year. Ah Ah Ah."
The protest has remained mostly peaceful so far, but the letter N did receive a citation for trespassing on private property.
"They're coming for the letter L now," said N as in Nancy. "But any one of us could be next. Except for Q. He only shows up once in a while to keep Scrabble interesting. And almost always with U. So weird."
The NFL has received praise from historians.
"People think Rome fell because of overspending or government corruption or invasions by Barbarian tribes," said University of Tennessee historian Rose Strickler. "But really their numbers were just confusing as hell. Let's be thankful football has learned from their mistakes."
Others urged the letters or are they numbers to keep perspective.
"I think the important thing to remember is that Peyton Manning is going to win another Super Bowl," said the letters U and T. "That's what actually matters here."
February 4, 2016
Facebook is about to change the way you react to things. The social media giant is set to roll out a new series of Overreactions that will allow you to express your feelings in a more melodramatic way. "Instead of simply liking a post, Overreactions will let you unfriend someone for offending you or call a complete stranger horrible names in the comments section because they didn't vote for the person you did," said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. "We almost called them Trumps." Facebook users say they are excited to finally have the chance to overreact to things. "This is amazing," said Knoxville social media user Sasha Morris. "If there's one thing Facebook has been without, it's exaggeration and melodrama."
February 2, 2016
After more than a decade away from the FBI, newly-reinstated agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully spent Monday trying to figure out what an Iowa Caucus is. They were unsuccessful. According to the official story, the Iowa Caucus involves strange combinations of party delegates, math and coin tosses that somehow contribute to electing the nation's president. But skeptics say the truth is out there. "The Iowa Caucus is one of the world's biggest unsolved mysteries, right up there with why Scully's voice is all weird and gravelly now," said agent Mulder. "Unfortunately we didn't get any proof of what it is, even though I have an iPhone. But I was able to hang up on Scully at the most important part of our phone conversation and let her think I was dead for six hours. So it worked out OK. I am a terrible partner."
January 31, 2016
Keep calm and carry a box of tissues, at least if Netflix has anything to say about it. The movie streaming service's research shows that Knoxville is ranked 10th in the nation in streaming films from its "Sentimental Movies about Horses for Ages 11 to 12" category. Other mid-sized cities that love a good cry about oddly specific animal movies include Arkon, Ohio and Lincoln, Neb. "People from Knoxville love to cry a lot about anthropomorphic odd-toed ungulates," said clinical horse movie psychologist Petra Meinert. "It's heartwarming." "I haven't been this proud to be from Knoxville since we were famous for watching Cerebral Animated British Time-Travel Slasher Movies from the 1970s for Ages 18 to 22," said movie buff Andre Carrasco.
January 29, 2016
A fortune-telling rodent from Pennsylvania was rescued Thursday after being abducted, according to police.
Police said the groundhog was kidnapped by rebel forces from Narnia trying to prolong winter for six more weeks.
The groundhog is normally imprisoned throughout the year by a group called the Inner Circle, a mysterious cult of men in tuxedos and top hats living in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
A SWAT team freed the groundhog from a private enchanted palace located through a wardrobe Thursday at 9:20 a.m.
Police said the groundhog was taken against its will by a boy named Edmund Pevensie. Pevensie traded the rodent to a wintery witch in exchange for a putrid substance no one should really consider candy called Turkish Delight.
"Poor kid," said Coni Malus, a senior ransom demand analyst for the F.B.I. "If you're going to sell your soul for candy, at least make sure it's a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or a Twix. Even Circus Peanuts think Turkish Delight is gross."
Police said the witch had planned to make the groundhog see its shadow. If she had succeeded, East Tennesseans would have to endure skepticism about driving in the snow from people from Minnesota for another month-and-a-half.
"These extremists are only interested in one thing, always winter and never Christmas," said SWAT team leader Janet Dowdy. "And also in having enough snow in Knoxville to actually make a snowman."
Police said the witch and her minions are now in custody. They confessed to having nothing better to do since Walden Media gave up on the Narnia franchise back in 2010.
"Did they think we wouldn't see through this?" said recycled plot device researcher Jeff Newton. "Phil Connors tried this in a movie once. Of course, he was trying to get out of a time loop. These guys were just trying to prolong winter. Heartless psychopaths."
The groundhog said it hasn't been this confused since someone asked it, "How much would could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
January 28, 2016
Handcuffed anti-government protesters have taken over a holding cell in one of the nation's jails. The group is accusing officials of trampling the freedom of people who illegally take over government buildings at gunpoint. The protesters have vowed to occupy a prison cell for the next several years if necessary. "People need to be aware that this corrupt government is serious about taking a month to arrest armed militia members who take over federal buildings," said Bammon Undy, one of the protesters. Law enforcement officials said they are monitoring the situation. A spokesperson for the militia group said they have no immediate plans to withdraw from police custody. "We'll be here until somebody posts our bail, if we can convince the court to accept the gold standard," said Undy.
January 26, 2016
The co-workers of people who consume multiple cups of coffee are 37 percent less likely to suffer premature death, according to a study done by the University of Tennessee's School of Annoying Work Colleagues. UT scientists also found that co-workers who organize mandatory pointless meetings were 18 percent less likely to expire from a photocopier-induced head wound if surrounded by java drinkers. "The more coffee my cubicle-mate drinks, the less she doesn't kill me," said Todd Banks from accounts payable. "It turns out that what's really dangerous is not drinking coffee," said professor of nutrition before 10 a.m. Sharon McGregor. "In fact, coffee consumption could seriously reduce the risk of serious harm for a person who repeatedly clicks his pen or replies all to group e-mails."