July 7, 2015

Maryville drinking water perfectly safe, say dead fish

About 40 dead fish Monday assured Blount County residents that despite the presence of their floating gill-bearing corpses, the drinking water in the area is safe. The deceased aquatic animals were found near the site of a train derailment and toxic fire. "Don't worry, the water is plenty harmless," said one former creature. "Take it from me, who was immersed in the water and then stopped being alive." Maryville residents say they fear passing on mutations or super powers to their offspring. Mutated animals living in Oak Ridge said the dangers of radiation and toxic chemicals have been greatly exaggerated. "Just because I have eight legs, wings, and glow in the dark does not mean my obscene form is the result of environmental factors," said Mr. Meowgi, an Oak Ridge-based octo-lightningbirdcat. "It's all just a coincidence."

July 5, 2015

Lady Vols change name, except for Lady Vols

On Wednesday, the University of Tennessee's Lady Vols sports teams officially became the Vols, except for the Lady Vols, who will remain the Lady Vols. July 1 marked Tennessee's transition from adidas to Nike apparel, and with it, a rebranding of the school's team names, except for the Lady Vols team name, which was not rebranded. "We are doing this for brand consistency," said Tennessee director of no more Lady Vols except for the Lady Vols. "We want people to look at Tennessee and see that our athletics falls under one umbrella. From now on football, basketball, baseball, softball, um, and whatever other sports we play will be the strictly the Vols. But we left the Lady Vols basketball team out to avoid confusion. So I think that's all pretty clear."

July 3, 2015

Boomsday to July 4 fireworks: 'You'd better bring it'

Knoxville's annual Labor Day fireworks festival has called out Knoxville's annual Independence Day fireworks festival, demanding that the colorful July 4 explosions up their game.

Boomsday told frenemy Independence Day that its Festival on the 4th fireworks display in Knoxville is "pretty good" but that it pales in comparison to itself. The Labor Day celebration demanded that Festival on the 4th bring its A-game on Saturday or it would be shown up like so much Cleveland Cavaliers against the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals.

"Listen, son, you're just Labor Day," said the Knoxville celebration honoring the signing of the Declaration of Independence. "You've only been a national holiday since 1887. You're a celebration of the labor movement that ironically only 53 percent of Americans now support. I'm the birthday of a freaking country. Oh, and you make traffic awful."

Boomsday responded with outright laughter.

"People don't even call it Labor Day here," said the East Tennessee explosion extravaganza. "Plus I'm one of the largest fireworks displays in the southeast, period. And I'm still free, even though they awkwardly tried to charge for me last year. I'm held on the river. They make a waterfall out of colorful sparks for me and people watch it from boats. They just hold you at the site of an OK World's Fair."

Independence Day responded that it has a better color scheme and that popsicles taste better in July. But the argument was quickly interrupted by close friend Halloween.

"C'mon you two, settle down," said All Hallows' Eve. "You're both national holidays. The important thing about both of you is that you weirdly make people want to shoot off pyrotechnics and cook meats by placing them on top of fire. I just make people want eat candy and avoid the dentist afterwards."

The city's lightning bug population said the two fireworks displays are equally great because they both distract children from trapping them in Mason jars.

July 2, 2015

Adidas apparel taken out behind UT agricultural campus and shot

The University of Tennessee Wednesday took its old adidas apparel out behind the agricultural campus and shot it, a spokesperson for the school said. The school debuted its new Nike gear on Wednesday. Officials said the old adidas uniforms weren't no good to themselves no more. "You can't hardly tell at first, not till those T-shirts get to the point of slobbering and staggering around," said UT director of putting old gear out of its misery Burn Sanderson. "When you see an old Lady Vols crew sideline softball tee in that fix, you know for sure. You know they'll run if you give 'em the chance. But when one don't run, or maybe makes fight at you, why, you shoot that tee and shoot it quick. After that tee has bitten you, it's too late." Officials said Nike has got a litter right now, bet you Nike would give you one of her tees with a swoosh to wear.

June 30, 2015

Knoxville named top city to be robbed by Hamburglar

According to a Time Magazine report, Knoxville is the leading U.S. city where you may be robbed by a character from McDonaldland wearing a black and white striped shirt and a burglar mask. The study analyzed data from online food delivery company GrubHub that found people in Knoxville are most likely to order a hamburger, then concluded it must also be the most likely place for the Hamburglar to strike. "I'm a little worried," said hamburger enthusiast and out of date pop culture reference Jughead Jones. "It's bad enough I have to deal with those Chick-fil-A cows and now this. It's getting so a guy can't eat 47 hamburgers in a single meal in peace." Police told a frightened public it is perfectly acceptable for people from Knoxville to order something other than hamburgers from the menu, except at Stock & Barrel, Not Watson's and Litton's.

June 28, 2015

Supreme Court rules in favor of nation quietly cleaning out Facebook friends

In a landmark opinion, a divided Supreme Court on Friday ruled that citizens of the United States can quietly delete several Facebook friends. The ruling cements Facebook as a place where people will type anything that they think in their heads without bothering to filter that crap. "I have a crazy uncle who actually commented that people will be marrying dogs soon," said Rebekah DeSilva. "I guess he doesn't realize that dogs are not able to sign legal documents. And then another friend said that a pastor who threatened to set himself on fire if same-sex marriage was legalized should actually do it. I didn't realize I knew so many hateful lunatics." "I also unfriended Antonin Scalia," added DeSilva. "I'm not really even sure how he got in there."

June 26, 2015

Nation awkwardly remembers Sunday was Father's Day

Children across the United States realized in a panic today they had once again forgotten that last Sunday was Father's Day. Thousands of offspring across the country took to the streets for damage control and to purchase hastily thought out gift ideas.

The nation's progeny insisted they would have remembered Father's Day if it had been Mother's Day. But because the day was an annual celebration honoring fatherhood, they put off thinking about it until a few days after the last minute.

Despite their tardiness, many children announced they were still able to find decent pun-themed gifts in the clearance bins of the country's retail shops.

"I was able to buy my dad a 'The Walking Dad' t-shirt and a card that says 'Happy Farter's Day,'" said Addie Howard of Strawberry Plains. "He's a dad, so he loves puns. It's one of his many character flaws. But I love him anyway. I'm just glad my mom has been around to help raise me."

Other offspring told reporters they managed to surprise dad with something extra special this time around.

"Normally I would get my dad socks or a tie or a tie with socks on it," said Justin Waldrop of Oak Ridge. "But since this is the fifth time I've done this, I'm going to make it up to him by getting my dad a year's supply of meat and a colonoscopy. He's really going to love half of his gift."

Some children said they had actually remembered Father's Day 2016 nearly an entire year in advance. Others remain convinced their fathers don't actually know when Father's Day is in the first place.

"The good thing is, my dad probably doesn't even realize last Sunday was Father's Day," said Maddie Cates of Farragut. "I should easily be able to convince him that this coming Sunday is the real Father's Day. He's honestly not that bright."

June 25, 2015

Knoxville man hospitalized for eating in skinny jeans

Doctors say a Knoxville man developed what's called eating too much while wearing pants that are too tight syndrome after he wore skinny jeans while helping a relative eat sizable quantities of food. According to a case study in the journal Family Gossip, the man ended up hospitalized after he failed to loosen his pants during a prolonged period of overeating. The 30-year-old had apparently ignored increasing discomfort but ultimately decided that another cheese Krystal would make him feel better. "As he continued to consume food, his waist began to expand while his pants did not," said Dr. Gretchen Barber of UT Medical Center. "We've seen this phenomenon many times, especially around Thanksgiving. The message is clear: if you're going to be eating for extended periods of time, be sure to wear your fat pants."

June 23, 2015

SCOTUS ruling could lead to hyperbole blackouts, officials say

With a historic decision on same-sex marriage only days away, Tennessee's exaggeration managers said the state could experience an overload of the hyperbole grid, leading to rolling blackouts. Officials said blackouts could strike as early as three seconds after the Supreme Court's ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage bans in Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio and Tennessee. "If the court affirms a constitutional right to same-sex marriage, we are all but certain that the state's hyperbole supply will be exhausted in a few hours," said Keegan Koback, Communication Director for the Exaggeration Foundation. "You're going to hear people say things like, 'What's going to stop people from marrying goats, or plywood, or Donald Trump?' Hopefully no one will need hyperbole for any other reasons in the coming weeks." State officials also cautioned that the state's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve reservoir could exhaust its supply following the SCOTUS ruling.

June 21, 2015

Feds say alphabet has already trademarked new Tennessee logo

The U.S. Patent and Trademark office last week rejected Tennessee's new logo because they say the letters "T" and "N" have already been trademarked by the alphabet. According to a document posted on the agency's website, "Registration is refused because the applied-for logo primarily consists of two existing consonants that make up 1/13 of the English alphabet. The fact that the letters are blurry and surrounded by the color red makes no difference." The proposed state logo somehow managed to cost $46,000 to create. "Obviously we're disappointed, and we plan to appeal this decision," said a spokesperson for Gov. Bill Haslam's office. "Taxpayers in Tennessee should not be penalized just because our new design is so generic as to be the Crispy Rice cereal of state logos."

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